I write this for a certain person. I don’t know whether the person will read it later or not, but at least I can keep this as a reminder and remainder in future.
Yesterday, a friend accused me because I don’t have a stand point in a conversation. I said that’s true and I’m okay with this condition. But then I asked myself, it’s that true?
I usually try to think in other person point of view. If you ask me what to choose between two things, I’ll definitely answer based on your necessity, based on what are you telling me before, etc. I give my opinion, but it’s might not be my real choice if the situation really happen to me. It’s rather that I’m thinking for you. I’m to impulsive when come to solve my own problem, I risk many things, and I don’t want to give a life like that to people who comes to me and ask for an opinion. Am I don’t have a stand point?
If you mad with a certain person, I usually tell you the positive side about that person, what could be the reason behind the attitude, etc. It’s not that I’m not stand on your side, but every fire needs water, not oil to make it bigger. I think every person who mad needs other point of view to ease the anger. Even a damaged clock right twice a day, isn’t it? When it come to my own problem, maybe I can’t make up my mind like that, so I need someone to do the same thing. Am I don’t have a stand point?
I often imagine myself as other person. Someday I imagine that I’m a bus driver, drive the same route over and over again everyday. I wake up every morning to do the same thing, no challenge in particular, except to fight my boredom. How will I live then?
Someday I imagine myself as a mechanic. I’m so excited about mechanical things, but I always buried under the oil and dirt. I don’t get the reason why people should take a bath, dress properly, and make up their face. People don’t care with me anyway as long as their vehicle can works well. How will I live then?
Another day I will imagine myself as a businesswoman who might go to other city or even other country to have a meeting every single day. I’m so happy, I could kill myself at the first time. But then I don’t go those place to play, I can’t even meet the local people. Worst, I don’t even have time to relax. People want to have my life, but then am I really want it? How will I live then?
Let’s come back to the real me. Right now I don’t think I face a certain boredom, so I think I can do the routine easily. I might be change, if I face those things in front of my face.
I seldom dress properly and just make up my face on special occasion. Yet, I do believe they judge me by my appearance, right now I just don’t really care with their opinion. I might be change when I meet a certain person whom I want to impress, who knows?
And now I really wants to be the person who flight here and there. To heard just about the airport already makes me excited. I don’t know whether I will like it or not, but let’s just figure it out later. Am I don’t have a stand point?
The main problem, when it come to a discussion don’t ask me to stand in a point and defend it. I don’t like debate, I don’t like a close discussion with just one stand point, I’m that phlegmatic melancholic to left everything in harmony without one more correct than other one, to left the answer open to everything. I don’t usually care which one is better, though I do care about what you really want. When it come to a close discussion, I can answer it as a bus driver, a mechanic, a businesswoman, or even somebody else, my real self is hiding somewhere usually don’t really care. If you need someone to have a close discussion or debate with, please just find someone else.
Moreover, if you’re in trouble, maybe it seems that I’m not defending you and let you stand alone. It’s not that I don’t care. But I believe you can overcome it yourself. I don’t defend you, but I don’t left you either.
I’ve never ask you to listened to all the things I said. You shouldn’t listen to people opinion if you find it doesn’t fit with you. The person you have to listen and understand well is yourself. You know what the best for you, you’re the one who know what’s the best.
It’s really complicated. I’ve never asked you to understand me. I feel it’s hard to understand myself too sometimes. Maybe that’s all. And have a nice day.